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Read Next Sean 'Seanbaby' Reiley was writing comedy over at when Cracked was a poor man's MAD Magazine. He's been a major influence on some of our best writers, and starting in April, he's going to be Cracked. Etta James The Essential Rar there. com's newest columnist. 'Seanbaby's Flying Blind on a Rocket Cycle' will be our first new column since came along back in November and started punching words through your computer screen. Today, we're introducing him to some of you, and reintroducing him to the rest, with his look back at some of the most disturbingly erotic old school games.
Just like orphans and tap dancing, eroticism and video games were meant to be together. Barrel-throwing gorillas and nudity are a perfect match, and sand paintings show that even as far back as ancient Egypt primitive man has been mixing pornography with Zaxxon. But 'adult game' designers often cross the line between sexily risque and fucking lunacy. Warning: Some of the things and the breasts attached to them discussed in this article may confuse and frighten younger readers. If you are one of them, please stop reading and go play any of the games where you splatter the heads off of aliens with a rocket launcher. 10 Bubble Bath Babes (NES) One day, a game designer was playing Tetris and said, 'What if I was playing this type of game, but at the same time had a huge erection?'
Bubble Bath Babes was born. It's a lot like Tetris, only there's a naked woman on the screen as you play. Also, as you do well, the game shows you screenshots of slutty women surrounded by flowers and screaming about bubble baths. For example, one girl in a bikini shrieks, 'WAY TO GO HOT SHOT!
CARE TO LATHER ME UP?' And if that doesn't put you in the mood for sex and Tetris at the same time, you're either a robot or a gay robot. Java Html File Downloader Applet. Eroticism: 2/10 While the screenshots you earn in Bubble Bath Babes are easier to masturbate to than any of the bonus screens the original Tetris gave you, they're still not that sexy. When a badly rendered woman who clearly can't speak English is trying to seduce someone with puns about soap bubbles, it's an uphill battle. It doesn't matter how attractive she is. She could be playfully washing your car with a group of topless cheerleaders, but when the words 'POP MY BUBBLE NOW I BET I CAN MAKE YOUR'S BURST!'